The Cupboards of our lives

This cupboard is a disaster waiting to happen.  Honestly, I reached for the salt and pepper potato chips that you can’t even see and all of this toppled down.  It’s too much stuff for the size of the space.

I think this is probably a great picture of our lives.  Constant motion, stimulation, pursuits, achievements.  Maybe its the opposite for some – the external life is clutter free – no running from appointment to appointment, just tv show to tv show, fear to fear, insecurity to insecurity, debt to debt.

Either way, I wonder if its just from hiding place to hiding place.  To rest or to engage is incredibly difficult – few mountains I’ve faced seem larger than these.  To stop and face who we are when its quiet.  To engage and tackle who we are when we’re present.  Kinda seems we’re culturally wired to hide from resting or engaging.  More than likely, its both; but either way, I wonder if we hide, because deep down we know, its just too much for the size of our space.

Lately, I’ve been taking inventory of my life – the cupboards that look good… until you open them.  I really struggle with rest, freedom from worry and anxiety and all of that I’ve realized stems from pride, the need to control and is typically expressed in my life in a little symptom old folks like to call “hot headed” (anger).  It’s like I can’t stop thinking about what’s happening (even things that don’t concern me), strategies about things that probably won’t happen anyway (but just in case), decisions that I have no control over (and sometimes don’t even affect me.

Sometimes I just can’t stop.  I’ve always known this about myself and since 2007, when I made a few dumb choices in a few dumb relationships, found a melanoma on my breast, moved a few times, changed jobs twice all in a matter of months, I’ve been exploring ways to change this about myself.  I am not where I want to be, but thank God, I’ve continued to change for the better.

I don’t want to wake up with a disease when I am 45 because of the speed of my life, or struggle to get pregnant because of stress, or wake up next to a stranger who used to be my husband or miss the childhood of my children because I just couldn’t stay present.

I am committed to change, committed to understanding Biblical rest, committed to surrendering all that I am and all that I am not to Jesus.  I have seen Him change me, love me, help me.

Psalm 46:10 used to bubble up inside me years ago – just the word and the numbers – and I’d go to look it up and feel frustrated with the Holy Spirit for leading me there.  “Be still and know that I am God.”

Be still.  Come again?  What does that even mean?  And how still?  Like “do nothing” still or “pray all day” still?  Its only this year on my journey with Jesus that I realize those are the wrong questions.  That’s like choosing to try different diets for 20 years instead of just adopting a lifestyle of health.

Space in our cupboards comes from stopping to face what’s in the cupboards and engaging in the fight to change for the better.  Its more than cleaning them out all the time and hiding clutter or hiding behind clutter- its knowing why we keep collecting clutter, healing, and then changing so that we fill the space accordingly as we grow appropriately.

Being still teaches us to abide in the presence of God.  Its takes resting to realize that He is the vine and we are the branches and not the other way around.  Remember, rest is not a place.  Rest is in Him.

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