How to Talk to Kids about Race at Home and At Church
Today’s post is from special guest, Sheri Meyer. My husband Cody and I, served alongside Sheri for years, cultivating community and pursuing justice. She is now the Children’s Pastor at Newsong LA, one of the most diverse churches in Los Angeles. I invited her to share with us her wisdom, resources, and tips on how people and families can talk to children about race. Books, videos, articles and more are at the bottom of this post, so feel free to skip to the end, if you’d like to peruse those first. This is so helpful, I cried, and I know it will bless you.
“The Talk” has been a staple conversation in many families for generations. It’s the type of conversation that’s not easy to have. It’s uncomfortable, filled with pain and extremely complex. It’s one that resurfaces past trauma and unlocks depths of emotions that many parents wish they would not have to endure again. And honestly, it’s a conversation that some families wish they didn’t have to have with their children in the first place. You may have guessed; this conversation has nothing to do with the birds and the bees. “The Talk” I’m referring to is one many black, indigenous, and people of color have had to initiate with their children around systemic racism and racial profiling in the United States.
For generations, these families have had to initiate these conversations with their children as a way of guiding them through the racism they encounter on a daily basis. Racism that at times is so frequent that children of color experience a form racial trauma that has the potential to impact their physical and emotional development for years to come. Racism is a painful and complex issue tied to all facets of life. This embedded system of hierarchal structures affects our communities, schools, churches, workplaces and economy in such a way that people often are judged based on the color of their skin not on the content of their character, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. would say. And as such, indirectly instilled with advantages or disadvantages in life just because of the ethnicity they were born into. As Christians, leaders, teachers, caregivers and parent’s racism is an issue we simply can’t ignore.
As a Children’s Pastor in Los Angeles, California I have had to navigate many uncomfortable conversations regarding “The Talk” within in our diverse classrooms.
Each week our team prayerfully guides our children in conversation, prayer and teaching around topics such as diversity, identity, justice and equality as seen through the lens of the Gospel. In our classrooms, we seek to create a safe space for our children to engage with the content and ask any and all questions they may have. In these spaces they are able to grapple with these tough issues alongside their peers, as they seek solutions that shape a diverse worldview in their lives. But these conversations shouldn’t end with the last prayer prayed on a Sunday morning. Instead, it is at this time that parent discipleship in the home becomes extremely important in helping to raise our children to have a worldview that understands God’s vision of humanity and justice, as well as, how we can love one another through the lens of the Gospel. If we are to love God and love our neighbor, just as the Gospel says, then we must take a look at the diverse tapestry of humanity that God has displayed throughout the Biblical narrative.
Acts 17:26-28 says “26 From one man he (God) made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.”
The Apostle Paul pointed out in these verses that from one-man God made all the nations of the earth, so that we could seek relationship with Him. Interestingly, in Genesis 1 it says that God created Ha’adam (mankind) in his own image. In this passage there is no ethnicity signified here, but as it states, Adam (ish) & Eve (ishshah) became the mother and father of all the nations of the world. The Genesis story essentially is the story about all the people of the world, affirming that individuals of all races and ethnicities are created in the image of God. And since we each bear God’s image and are instilled with great worth and value, this means that every person deserves to be treated with honor and dignity.
Looking further down the Biblical story we see that Israel was an ethnically diverse nation with a “mixed multitude” (Exodus 12:38) that went out with them into the wilderness and frequently interacted with them at other points along the way. We also see in many parts of the Old Testament where God chose people from all nations to be a part of his plan of redemption from the Ethiopians, to the Cushite’s, the Canaanites, to the Moabites, and even used Ebedmelech in the book of Jeremiah to foreshadowed the Gentile inclusion in the book of Acts. In New Testament, through the life of Jesus and the Gentile inclusion, we are shown that we are part of the same body of believers, united through faith in Jesus Christ, with Holy Spirit dwelling within each one of us. And as part of the same family of God, John gives us a glimpse of what our grand family reunion may look like after Christ’s return and the formation of His kingdom.
Revelation 7:9 “After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb.”
If all of this is true, then it means that God had a plan for a diverse kingdom from the very beginning of creation. And because God created all the nations of the world from one man, we are part of God’s family through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. A beautiful tapestry of believers, each bearing a unique quality of God our creator. And thus, called to live on mission in this world sharing the good news of Jesus Christ with one another.
While this mission may seem grand, to go to the nations sharing the Gospel of Jesus, it first begins in the home.
As the primary influencers in your children’s life, you have an important role in shaping their worldview over time. It is said that there are approximately 936 weeks in the life of your child from birth to 18 years old. Each week you have left with them is yet another precious opportunity to make yourself available to your children. It’s another opportunity to create space for conversations that matter. Conversations around the Gospel, ethnic diversity, racism, discrimination, racial profiling and Biblical justice. These will be uncomfortable conversations for some, especially if this is the first time talking about these topics with your kids. But we must speak the truth in love with the Holy Spirit as our guide, and through the lens of the Gospel story, from which reconciliation can be found through the life of Jesus Christ.
As teachers, leaders, parents and caregivers, we cannot start these conversations though from a restless heart. Taking time to reflect on our own life and influences is important to calm the restless areas of our life, uncover harmful beliefs we may have been taught, as we seek to make space in our soul to enter into conversations that matter with our families. Adele Ahlberg Calhoun in her book Spiritual Disciplines Handbook shares that, “We need to listen and reflect on our experiences in the presence of the Holy Spirit to learn from them. Journaling is a way of paying attention to our lives – a way of knitting the vast ball of our experiences into something with shape that attests to the state of our soul.” So, before you begin, or continue these conversations with your children, I would encourage you to take a moment to grab your journal, a notepad, electronic device, or a good old piece of paper.
Now, reflect on the following questions as the Spirit would lead you:
How is my soul? How am I really doing, deep down inside?
What emotions are taking residence in my soul at this time? And how are these emotions impacting my daily life?
Where in my body do, I feel tension, exhausted, tired, confused, helpless?
How does this affect my ability to hold space and be present for the important people in my life?
Am I modeling self-care to my family through sabbath keeping, community, spending time in God’s Word, and developing a spiritual rhythm of prayer?
In my family, how am I creating safe spaces for conversations that matter?
What may be uncomfortable about initiating or continuing these conversations?
Are there any past experiences or beliefs that may be hindering my ability to enter into or continue these conversations?
Is there new learning that needs to occur so that I can confidently enter into these conversations with my children?
As I hold space for my children to share, am I actively listening to their questions, emotions and deepest fears?
And finally, how am I making the most of the 936 weeks I have in the life of each of my children?
My hope is that through these reflection questions and the resources made available to you below that God will guide you into having conversations that matter with your children and family whether you are just beginning or have been engaging in these conversations for some time now.
Tips for Talking to Your Children About Race(ism):
Begin the Conversation.
Children’s Books: are a great starting off point to get the conversation started. By diversifying your bookshelf your child can begin to value their own ethnic identity while also valuing the ethnic identity of others around them. Children’s books also help to explain difficult concepts in a child friendly manner so that you can expand upon the conversation at a later time.
Age Appropriate Developmental Conversations: Don't be afraid to begin the conversation with your child. Studies show that developmentally they may be able to begin conversations about this at a young age. Respond to your children through age appropriate conversations.
Listen with your full attention.
Eliminate all distractions so you can create a safe space for your child.
Practice active listening with your full attention to the current moment.
Acknowledge feelings & emotions that surface.
Provide a space for emotions and feelings to be expressed and reassure your child that it’s ok to not feel ok. Let them know that you love them, you are there for them, that they are safe and that you are here to listen to them.
Watch for signs of distress and reassure them in that moment.
Answer any questions that may surface & Respond Well
Allow your children to ask any question they may have. Do your best to answer their questions, even if you do not know the answer yourself.
Educate Yourself: If you do not know the answer, do your own research or ask others, so you can better understand the topic for yourself before responding to them. There is a wide variety of books, lectures, educational tools that are helpful on this justice journey.
Model self-care.
The work of advocacy and justice can be exhausting at times and self-care is of the utmost importance. Practice self-care through sabbath keeping, maintaining a healthy community, spending time in God’s Word and developing a spiritual rhythm of contemplative practices that slow your soul to pause and take a rest.
Resources for Conversations that Matter
1) Age appropriate developmental conversation tools:
i) Are your kids too young to talk about race? https://www.prettygooddesign.org/
ii) Racial Stress and Self-Care https://www.apa.org/res/parent-resources/racial-stress-tool-kit.pdf
iii) Social & Emotional Development for Children when talking about race(ism) https://www.parenttoolkit.com/social-and-emotional-development/advice/social-awareness/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-race-and-racism
iv) A Clinical Perspective on Talking to Kids about Racism https://childmind.org/article/a-clinical-perspective-on-talking-to-kids-about-racism/
v) Having Healthy Conversations about Race https://www.apa.org/res/parent-resources/books
vi) Tolerance.org Race & Ethnicity https://www.tolerance.org/topics/race-ethnicity
vii) Raising a Generation of Children Who Are Thoughtful, Informed, and Brave About Race. https://www.embracerace.org/
viii) How to talk to your kids about racism? https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2020/06/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-racism
ix) What Happens when minority kids are taught not to talk about race | New York Magazine http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/08/when-minority-kids-are-taught-color-blindness.html?mid=twitter_nymag
x) Anti-Racism for Kids 101: Beginning Conversations that Matter https://booksforlittles.com/racial-diversity/?fbclid=IwAR39vJQQyCnHfhF0m66o67GnGgR9BuWclmDQJXBQuUwznf1-YxaZxSzM_l4
xi) Resources for Talking about Race and Racialized Violence with kids https://centerracialjustice.org/resources/resources-for-talking-about-race-racism-and-racialized-violence-with-kids/
2) Gospel focused conversations on racial reconciliation
i) Why teach your kids about the Gospel and Racial Reconciliation? https://thewitnessbcc.com/why-teach-your-kids-about-the-gospel-and-racial-reconciliation/
ii) Jesus is not Colorblind Article https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/jesus-isnt-colorblind/
iii) Don’t Keep Children in the Dark about Race Conversations by Lucretia Berry https://youtu.be/q0YDt64IWFU
iv) The Bible Project (Understanding Justice) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A14THPoc4-4
v) Brownicity: What LIES Between Us https://brownicity.com/
3) Books about Diversity and Cultural Intelligence (These lists are not exhaustive and are continually evolving every day.)
i) A Kids Book About Racism by Jelani Memory https://youtu.be/LnaltG5N8nE
ii) God’s Great Idea by Trillia Newbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ieZGYLWvrc
iii) Sankofa Read Aloud https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLBquMIehDL8Mv0ttSv6lzQ
iv) Diversity & Intercultural Books https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HdiXk5R2hiadKbqUOzuQXDjJPdomdTUz74ZLLeZU1n0/edit?usp=sharing
v) Highlighting Books by Black Authors & Characters https://www.harpercollins.com/childrens/books-with-diversity/
vi) Diverse Book Finder https://www.embracerace.org/resources/where-to-find-diverse-childrens-books
4) Other Resources about Race(ism) and Injustices
i) Children’s Ministry Curriculum: Justice Journey https://covchurch.org/justicejourney/
ii) Roadmap to Reconciliation by Brenda Salter McNeil.
iii) The Color of Compromise by Jemar Tisby
iv) Let’s Get to the Root of Racial Injustice https://youtu.be/-aCn72iXO9s
v) Systemic Racism Explained https://youtu.be/YrHIQIO_bdQ
vi) Race in America by Phil Vischer (Veggie Tales) https://youtu.be/AGUwcs9qJXY
vii) Deconstructing White Privilege by Dr. Robin DiAngelo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwIx3KQer54&t=487s
viii) ECC Love Mercy Do Justice: Engage & Respond in Solidarity https://covchurch.org/justice/engage-and-respond/
Sheri Meyer is an advocate, incredible friend and Children’s Pastor at Newsong LA. Her empathy, humor and leadership are a welcome respite to people of all ages and stages, and she brings more than a decade of ministry experience in the family and justice spaces. Sheri is currently pursuing an MDIV with an emphasis In intercultural studies at North Park Theological Seminary in Chicago. To connect with Sheri, or hire her to speak, or consult with your children’s or family ministry team, send her an email.