Why Abstinence Felt Like Liberation to Me
In my writing cohort, we're having important conversations about purity culture and the lasting effects of that movement on the psyche and sex life of women. Maybe you've seen the arguing over social media about complementarianism, or joined the conversation on purity culture. Or maybe you're like I used to be, and have no idea what any of these words mean…. I'm pretty sure that the average person in America is not thinking about this. But even if they are, or they aren’t, it is true that harmful ideas about women, desire, pleasure and sex trickle down into our communities, marriages and relationships. (Perhaps the only trickle down effect that works, by the way.)
If I'm honest, the church's teaching on abstinence and self-control felt like liberation to me.
With my background of sexual assault, experiences with abuse, and the disconnection between my body and my heart, I appreciated the freedom I found in the New Testament. The Apostle Paul encouraged monogamy and instructed men how to serve, love and revere women. In my heart, I hoped to discover there were men in the world who wanted to live this way. (I found some, and married one!) Paul often speaks to the connections between us, the importance of relationships, the power of honoring each other. Paul mentions, empowers and encourages women with vigor. To this day, when I picture Phoebe carrying the letter to the Christian church in Rome, reading and discussing it with new believers, and church leaders, it makes me feel the Holy Spirit's wind on my back. God is for me, I'd think. I didn't feel like God, or Paul, or clergy leaders telling me to shut up in church. In fact, I felt freedom to push past the silence of my shame to use my voice, little by little. But for some of you, Paul is a sore spot, along with the church, and maybe right now, God is too.
I didn't realize the size of the boulders on the backs of those who grew up in a religion that used God to control bodies, decisions and desire.
It’s only in the last couple of years that I’m beginning to really understand the shame and pain people deal with when purity is taught in the context of an angry, controlling, unloving “god”. I’m sorry if that’s been your experience. My heart aches for you, and dear friends who’ve experienced this. This is why we need to champion leaders in the field speaking truth to power to disrupt bad theology with good news.
I'm not sure I've ever been more thankful to have grown up in a tiny church, sweet as the day is long, with gas station attendants, foster parents, elderly members, and folks who just needed to know how to survive their struggles. Nobody was talking hermeneutics, arguing over doctrine, or forcing it down people’s throats. Women didn't preach at all, ever, but I don't know why it never occurred to me to be bothered. Pastor Freeman hugged me every Sunday on the way in and on the way out. And y’all know I was at the potluck every first Sunday for Homecoming. We were loved well, and I'm thankful.
In fact, most of my trips to my hometown in the last twenty years, included a trip to the local Checkers, where my Sunday school teachers still work. Ronnie works the cash register, and Anne is a waitress, and when they hug me, I feel the safety of that little church basement. Their presence will always represent the love of Jesus to me.
It’s true that now, I am bothered when women are mistreated, abused or left out, but I also don’t want to waste precious energy convincing anybody of anything. Life is too short. So wherever I can, I will raise my voice, and I will remember that humble community that helped raise me, and how good and gracious the church can be.
Maybe we don't need to broad stroke every church, or tear down every structure, to forge a better way.
By all means, burn what needs to burn. People must be held accountable for abuse, oppression, and anything else that harms others. I believe this disturbs Jesus. Whatever we do the least of the these, we do to him. He cares if you've been hurt, wounded, used or discarded. On the other side of that difficult journey, I want you to know that healing is not only possible, it's real.
At the same time, kindle the right flame, because I also still think the Lord loves his church.
What is the church? Sure, it's Sundays when we lift our hands together, share our stories, hear the gospel preached. But, it's also the love we give and receive at the supper table, the moments we resist gossip or trolling on the internet, the spiritual practice of enemy love, the fruit of the Holy Spirit bursting forth in a hard time, the hope of God rising again when we want to give up, choosing to love our partner and face the negative thinking that hinders our intimacy and vulnerability. You are the church my friend. You belong to a global community of jacked up folks, with idiotic antics and embarrassing members. But you also belong to a family of resilient, exceptional, innovative, people on fire for Jesus. So, let's make room for each other, seek understanding and context, while we speak the truth and keep right on living and loving as the good Lord leads.
I’m so glad you’re here,
Ashley
Want more on this topic? Listen to our recent podcast episode of Why Tho with Dr. Juli Slattery, on Sex and Intimacy.
Pre-order my latest book, Love is the Resistance: Learn to Disagree, Resolve the Conflicts You’ve Been Avoiding and Create Real Change on Amazon or find another retailer here.